Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart