[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?