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@morethanMI5: My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
@david8hughes: You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
@CarpentersCrack: I like to stop drinking somewhere between "watch this" and "ohhhhhh shit".
@withanewname: Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What'd she want?
Mgr: Where're all the donuts?
@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana*
"This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."
@KKAlThani: I wouldn't take a bullet for you but I'd definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.