“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
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Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Geez man, take it easy.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system