Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
You Might Also Like
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I’m pretty like a car crash.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH