My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
This pepper has seen some shit
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”