@fluffysuse: My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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@pleatedjeans: I should've never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can't do shit it's a real problem
@hazelmotes1: Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase* Her: that's supposed to be a couch.