My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
mumsnet is amazing
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces