@kylegotjokes: My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
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@PinkCamoTO: Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife? Because you're a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
@ohpegah: ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand DATE: ?? ME: It's on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
@gruffybeard: 630: *wakes up to take dog for walk 632: *pours coffee and checks twitter 749: *steps in dog shit on my kitchen floor