@kylegotjokes: My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
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@AnOrangeSNES: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!" *A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower* "Screw this!"
@ErinChack: FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs F: This is why u werent invited
@RocketRankoon: Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it