@kylegotjokes: My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
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@junejuly12: Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
@VanGobot: *bank robbery* ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt! ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk." But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
@SatansTongue: (bed bath and beyond) *walks to beds* Wow nice beds *walks to baths* Wow nice baths *walks through intergalactic wormhole* Wow nice beyond