My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.