My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.