My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.