me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You Might Also Like
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My neck my back my allergy attack
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
the prophecy has been fulfilled