Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?