Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
don’t we all
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date