My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”