me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The struggle is real
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.