@PimpleEye: My ex's ex and my left hand are dating.
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@PastorMark: A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.
@tigersgoroooar: just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
@MelvinofYork: There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.