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@PimpleEye: My ex's ex and my left hand are dating.
@garrettbarry70: Wife. I'm going to bed.
Me. Nooo! Don't leave me alone with the fridge.
@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression
@PhilJamesson: A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
@samfromks: I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
@CantWaitToNap: Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies... but it's my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.