The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
You Might Also Like
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.