“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Spa day..😅
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
S M O L
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.