My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Breaking news:
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Okey dokey.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids