My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.