My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.