My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
*mops up wine with cat*
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.