@mrjohndarby: My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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@RxitWounds: Is this your 1st video conference call? *Takes HUGE bong rip* *Holding it in* umm no So you're aware we can see you? *Cough* what *cough*
@ruthakers: I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
@DannyZuker: Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
@jackmackenroth: I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a 'cradle robber' cuz he's 18 and I'm 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.