@mrjohndarby: My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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@EmilyFreestone1: *boyfriend and girlfriend in shower* Girl: do bad things to me babe Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
@StarWarsProblms: Anakin: How do we get in? Obi-Wan: We'll be stealthy. *turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
@DougStanhope: I'm watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
@justabloodygame: As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, 'With or Without You' starts to play. "U2, Brutus?" He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.