My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My Plans 2020
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.