My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”