Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
You Might Also Like
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Smells like a challenge to me
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Sing it!
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+