Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.