My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.