My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
my fav colour is also hitler
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.