In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*