My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.