I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN