I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”