[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”