@NotARatsAss: My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
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@XLToast: Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
@UncleDuke1969: "I'm not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?" "Sorry, sir. Here's your ketchup."
@MarlonBrandNO: MOM: Story time ME: Yay! MOM: it's called "The Little Engine that Could, but doesn't cuz he's a little shit that won't move out" ME: mom?
@astutenewf: Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.