@NotARatsAss: My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
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@korryduke: Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack
@daemonic3: Ok I won't subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What's the difference?
@thatstings: Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger