Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Fries, not lies.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.