My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I cannot call her anything else now
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
we all know this pain all too well
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.