My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Siri, fight Alexa.