my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.