The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.