@JohnFugelsang: My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.
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@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
@kumailn: "Every family on 2013 had 'quite the year'." - study conducted using Christmas newsletters
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn't you? ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
@2tickytacky: I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?