Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.