My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.