My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
¯_(ツ)_/¯
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.