My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Festive toon…
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.