@_SetTheHook_: My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "What's your greatest strength?" *45 minutes later* Me: "I'm very comfortable with silence."
@robfee: Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
@withanewname: Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
@InternetHippo: EARTH: Let's just be friends MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]