My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.