@BoozieEyedJoe: My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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@WilliamAder: I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
@murrman5: [to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore "ssswhy not?" are we getting rain tomorrow? "sssno" do you see how that's confusing?
@KenJennings: My son just told me he wouldn't kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he's a Nazi or just a nerd