My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.