My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
You Might Also Like
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Hero horse inspires millions
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.