I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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craving $300 all of a sudden
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Why I divorced her.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.