@Mouthy_: My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.
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@trevso_electric: The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
@NakedHangover: Yelling "shotgun" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
@KtotheK39: Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
@vineyille: I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”