i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
i baked you a cake
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework