My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The pasta is now
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Message from the dog groomers
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh