really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Muppet Screams
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I’d love this…lol
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I have never related to a cat more
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough