i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Xylophonist Shredding It
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this