My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen