@bossy_bootz: My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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@briancthayer: [house hunting] Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding* GOT ONE! Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword* GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
@EricMarten: It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
@FuckTyping: I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats. *my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear* Cats are also cute.