@bossy_bootz: My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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@samalmightysam: The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.
@TheCatWhisprer: Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.
@PonyMartini: Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS