@bossy_bootz: My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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@BritXNic: My waxer just cancelled. So I'm making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
@rockymomax: SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
@Prof_Hinkley: Me: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier Dan from the next cubicle: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier