@wittwitbarista: My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
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@UncleDuke1969: "Put cheese on it." "It's not-" "Put cheese on it." "Really now, you-" "Everything gets better with cheese on it." "Sir, it's a BROKEN LEG."
@Snarfernini: 911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
@AllyBallyBeal: Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you'd better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise