My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
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Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: